Mile Marker #14: A Quick Note on Grace
I’m currently having a really fantastic conversation with one of my writers’ groups about mental health, and it’s come at a critical time because of the, TBH, rather unpleasant week I’m having.
Stress is a killer, y’all, especially ongoing stress. And I think I have a larger helping of stress than most people — and I definitely put way more stress on myself than I need. I know I’ve been like that my whole life. My friend Cypress told me the other day, “I mean, I’ve only known you for a few months and how many times have I already had to tell you, ‘Hey, maybe don’t be so harsh on yourself’? You’d compress yourself into a diamond if you could, I think.”
She’s totally right. That conversation, followed by the one we’re having now, makes me chuckle because of how much pressure I’ve put on myself this year. I want to say, “There’s always this expectation to be the best!” but the truth is that that expectation doesn’t need to exist.
Let’s talk about this week specifically. I’m at the tail end of a four-month job search, getting nicely freaked out about my prospects for October. I had an extremely emotionally brutal week last week, for family reasons I’m not going to get into here. I’m also 30,000 words into the second draft of my novel, which I haven’t touched since last Thursday. This is, in part, because of the month-end influx of client work that always happens (I’m used to it by now), so I’m so focused on work-work that I’ve had no time or energy for writing-work. (Aha! My old enemy!)
Weeks like this are tough — understandably! Everybody has those crazy times with a million deadlines where it feels like you’re fighting a house fire with a spray bottle. But what I did wrong for the first half of the week was acting like the whole thing was my fault.
Sure, I could have worked ahead instead of working to deadline, or I could have woken up a little earlier last week. However, I’m still getting everything done with plenty of time before the actual due dates. (Only realized that as I typed it, I’ve been freaking out about being “late” when I’m literally on time, if not early. LOL!)
Yesterday, someone in my writing group asked how everyone else was doing, if they’d hit their goals, or if anything was blocking the way. And for some reason, just hearing that question made a switch flip in my brain. I realized I’ve been beating myself up all week for situations that are largely out of my control, but not only that, I’ve been acting like I should be running at an emotional 100% when I should really be treating myself with kindness, after a chaotic week last week and the fact that, I don’t know, I’m still mourning my grandmother?
I realized yesterday that I’m doing my best, and that’s what matters. So, I decided to give myself a healthy helping of grace.
I took writing off my mental to-do list until the weekend. I prioritized my client to-do list and made a day-by-day plan for knocking it all out. I had long talks with a few different people about what I’m dealing with, and found healthy outlets for my stress.
And now, it’s Thursday, I still have a lot on my to-do list, but I’m confident and comfortable about getting it all done in a reasonable time. It’s magical what happens when you can just tell yourself, “Hey, buddy, I know you’re doing your best right now and that’s exactly enough.”
So, a note from me to me:
Hey, buddy. I know you’re doing your best right now. You’re under an awful lot of pressure, both external and internal, and anyone would be struggling in your shoes. The fact that you’re still pushing forward, still showing up to the table, and still turning in top-notch work on time means that you’ve got this. Next week will be another week, and things will calm down significantly. So, pat yourself on the back, drink some water, and pet your dog.
Everything’s gonna be just fine.
Til next time,
Mags